I'm Not Pregnant, Just Morbidly Obese!
by crazypony37
Summary: Sequel to I'm Pregnant. It's been five years since Arthur and Francis had their twins, but now Antonio is convinced Romano may be pregnant. What hilarity and drama will ensue? Spamano, FrUK, RusAmer and many, many more.
1. Chapter 1

Well how do you do? I have a present here for all of my faithful followers who wanted a sequel to I'm Pregnant.  If you're a new reader and would really prefer to understand some of the plot and returning OCs please feel free to look up and read my previous story I'm Pregnant or anything else. Have fun!

Translations:

_Tío (Spanish) - uncle_

_Zio (Italian) - uncle_

_Loco (Spanish) - crazy_

Oh Dios mío (Spanish) - oh my god

è fottutamente stupido (Italian) - is fucking stupid

_cazzo (Italian) - fuck/fucking_

sopracciglia (Italian) - eyebrows

_Che diavolo (Italian) - what the hell_

_cocotte (French) - darling/sweetie_

_Cariño (Spanish) - sweetie/love_

_Merde alors (French) - shit then! (equivilent of damn or bugger) term of extreme exasperation_

_Romain – French form of Romano_

If any of you have a better understanding of these languages please feel free to correct any mistakes I make.

* * *

Chapter One

"Oh bloody hell! Why are the streets always so full!"

Doctor Scott Brown found himself rushing towards his office at full speed. He was running late, and for a doctor who works in the maternity ward that can be very bad. Unfortunately, the streets of London just after lunch time are not the best place for a tardy man.

Scott switched lanes hastily, paying attention to nothing but his upcoming turn. In his urgency he failed to notice two men and what appeared to be their wives standing in the street completely involved in their cameras. Fortunately their presence was not overlooked for long. Slamming on his breaks, Scott swerved out of the way missing all four pedestrians.

"Bloody Tourists!"

Normally Doctor Scott wouldn't rush into the office like he was presently. His other co-workers on the ward were more than capable of dealing with the needs of his patients. However, he was supposed to see very special patients today, patients you needed government clearing just to know their names. The only other doctor in the hospital with such clearance was Doctor Anzalone, retired military doctor and resident Emergency Room hero, but he wouldn't work in the situation for two reasons. First off his patients needed someone who could deliver babies from a nontraditional uterus without making any crude jokes. Second, while Scott considered him to be a steadfast and loyal friend, Doctor Anzalone was a crazy pain in the ass.

After a few more minutes of reckless driving, he finally arrived at the hospital. Scott pulled up to the curb and jumped out of his car. Right away he noticed one of his favorite nurses, Ms. Urbach.

"Meg!"

Megan looked up from one of the many books she always seemed to be reading just in time to see him run by. As if second guessing himself he turned around to face her and started walking backwards.

"Hello Doctor Brown. Why such the hurry?"

"Important business. Can you park my car in the garage?"

She didn't even have time to deny his offer before the keys were flung into her hands and Scott ran through the front door.

A flash of his identification card at the front desk was all that it took to get in. Luckily there was an elevator waiting for him when he arrived at their doors. He pressed the up arrow, jumped in, and pushed the button that indicated his level. In a minute or so the elevator stopped and Scott was at his desired floor. Sitting behind the front desk was just the secretary he needed to see. Scott ran so fast towards her counter he nearly slammed into it.

"Good morning Mrs. Trombly. Are they here?"

With a sigh she looked up from the papers she had been reading.

"There are many people here today Doctor Scott. You are going to have to be more specific."

"The Spanish man, Antonio what's-his-name and the unpleasant Italian, are they here?"

Deciding the current task didn't warrant much effort, Mrs. Trombly turned back to her papers.

"Yes they are here, but you didn't have to ask me that. The whole hospital heard them when they came in."

Scott winced at the thought of what he was going to have to deal with.

"Is anyone here with them?"

"Your favorite couple, Kirkland-Bonnefoy is here. They too were heard by everyone when they arrived."

It appeared that he was going to have his hands full for the next few hours.

"Thank you Mrs. Trombly."

Heaving a sigh he walked away from the desk and worked his way down the hall. With each step towards his office, the ominous noises emanating from behind the door grew louder. Everyone on the other side was shouting and shuffling around. When Scott reached the door he heard what sounded like a chair being thrown onto the ground and a healthy bout of what sounded like swearing in several different languages. He could only clearly understand what was in English, and some of what was in French. It wasn't too hard to guess the other words being shouted were in Italian, but their meanings were left to Scott's imagination.

Steadying himself, Doctor Brown reached for the door knob. Breathing in one last deep breath, he threw open the door and shouted in what he hoped would stop the ruckus.

"What the bloody hell are you four doing in here!"

* * *

"What the bloody hell are you four doing in here!"

_That is actually a really good question._

Currently he, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, was restraining his sweet little Lovi in hopes of preventing him from tearing off Arthur's head. The little rascal had managed to get his fingers jammed up the Brit's nose, but seeing as Francis was holding Arthur back they were safe for now. The four of them had been stuck in this position, Arthur hissing, Romano swearing, Francis and himself clinging on for dear life for quite some time. He supposed this craziness had started pretty much as soon as they walked into the hospital.

Antonio had been convinced for quite some time that Romano was pregnant. Romano was of course, in complete denial, but Antonio knew he was just putting off the inevitable like he did with all his positive emotions. Romano always liked to stay grumpy.

Watching Francis and Arthur these last few years had taught him one thing. Well two… three… many things.

First, he really liked babies, but not in a creepy way. Nothing was sweeter to him than the smiles Davet and Tiffany gave him when he came over to visit.

Second, Romano really like babies too, even if he complained that all they did was poop. No matter how much they both loved being _Tío_ Toni and _Zio_ Romano being parents would be even better.

Third it was actually possible to get a man pregnant. He had never thought about it ever being possible, but it was.

Lastly, if Francis could knock up someone as prudish as Arthur, Lovi would be no problem. For someone who gripped as much as Lovi, he held nothing back in the bedroom.

For the last month or so Romano had been grumpier than normal, eating weird foods, throwing up all the time, it was _loco_! He had started growing a belly, but not a "ate too many cannoli's so now I'm fat" belly. It was most definitely an "Oh Dios mío there's a fetus made by my sexy lover inside of me" belly. Thus his reason for forcing the Italian to visit Doctor Scott. Sure all the other times had been a false alarm, but this time he felt certain. This time was different.

Several days of arguing and several pounds of tomatoes later, Antonio had managed to convince Romano to come to London. Doctor Scott had been the obvious choice for a doctor. He was the only man in current history to aid in a successful nation birth, was a very nice man, and a fabulous dancer. The one downside was that Scott is British, which meant that Arthur had to serve as a mediator of sorts. It was very silly, but Arthur still didn't trust Antonio to be in England unsupervised. Francis of course came with Arthur, much to the Spanish man's relief. Arthur had clearly not wanted to spend a day with Antonio and Francis together, but he had to bring the Frenchman because he was like a little puppy. If you leave him alone for too long he gets really lonely and pees on things. Ok so maybe the peeing thing wasn't true, but definitely the lonely parts.

So together they all went to the doctor's office. When they had arrived the secretary lady at the front desk had told them Doctor Scott was on his break, but would see them as soon as he got back. She immediately asked a nurse to show them to Doctor Scott's office, and didn't even bother to start small chat. She had been very serious and a bit rude, but she spoke Spanish which made Antonio very happy.

A nice Italian man named Doctor Anzalone had come in shortly after they were shown into the room. He took some samples from Romano just in case they needed to run tests later, and then left.

Up to that point, the four men had gotten along without any skirmishes. That however, changed as soon as they were left alone in the room together. Specifically when Arthur and Romano realized they were in a confined space together. Romano and Francis always fought like two stupid brothers, but they never got into anything too serious. Arthur and he had once thirsted for each other's blood, but they had gotten over themselves and moved on. Unless of course they were playing football, but that was to be expected. However, no matter how violent their pasts were, it was nothing compared to the fights Arthur and Romano got in. Antonio personally thought they fought so much because they were so similar. Either they couldn't stand seeing someone as grumpy as themselves, or hated being out grumped by someone. Either way it didn't take long for either man's anger to boil over.

A few snide comments turned into full on insults, and before anyone knew it they were in a full on row. The argument finally reached its flashpoint when Romano mentioned something about a fight to which Arthur responded with:

"I would love to slap the insolence out of you, but I would never hit someone as pregnant as you."

Romano really didn't like that. The short Italian man morphed into a flying storm of fists and insults. Thankfully Antonio and Francis were well practiced in responding to these situations, or it could have been worse. At one point Romano called someone muff garbage… or cabbage (Antonio wasn't really sure,) which was strange. He normally reserved that insult for when they were in America.

It was a good thing Doctor Scott came in when he did, because if either of the men had broken free the other would have died. Perhaps nothing _that _severe would have happened , but they would have at least had to make a trip to the ER downstairs.

Something about Doctor Scott's shouts instantly stopped both quarreling men. Instead of trying to jab Arthur in the eye, Romano actually looked at the doctor. Likewise, Arthur stopped violently yanking on Romano's ear. Both men were frozen like children caught misbehaving by their mother, not a single word was uttered between them. Eventually they quietly sat down awaiting further instructions. Antonio didn't even have to ask Romano to sit down or anything! Doctor Scott was magical. It was no time at all before the room calmed down. Strangely the complete silence seemed to set the doctor of center more than the fighting.

He stepped through the door and closed it, keeping eye contact with at least one of the men in his office at all times.

"No really guys, what are you doing here? None of you had an appointment scheduled."

Roman looked up at the doctor as if that was the dumbest question he had ever been asked.

"We're here because Antonio _è fottutamente stupido_ and also crazy!"

Doctor Scott simply rolled his eyes.

"That will be enough sass from you Signore Vargas."

Turning away from the Italian, Scott faced Arthur and Francis.

"Why are you too here?"

Of the two men Francis was the first to answer.

"I missed your beautiful face so much. I couldn't stand being away from you any longer. I just had to create a reason to come see you again. I think it's another girl."

The Frenchman couldn't resist patting Arthur's stomach and winking at the doctor. Doctor Scott wasn't really sure what to think of that. He had grown unaccustomed to detecting Francis' moods so there was a fifty-fifty chance that Francis was actually telling the truth. Giving up, he turned to Arthur.

The Englishman did little more than slap Francis' hand away from his stomach, only to later entwine his fingers with the Frenchman's. This didn't give Scott any solid clues to make assumptions with.

"Mister Kirkland?"

"Don't ask me, ask the Spanish brat. Francis and I are only here as supervisors. Well I'm the supervisor; Francis is just putting off cleaning out his closets."

Scott raised an eyebrow.

"Closets, as in more than one?"

"Three rather large ones, all full to the brim. Mister Scruffle Beard here is a champion procrastinator."

Francis simply shrugged and smiled.

"I can't help being who I am. I was born this way."

"No Francis! No Lady Gaga."

Francis and Arthur dived into their own mini argument over when and where Lady Gaga references were appropriate. Doctor Scott was officially frustrated. The entire room was avoiding something and he needed to find out what.

Seeing as they had come to see him one of them was pregnant, soon to be pregnant, or planning on it. That much was obvious. _It could be Arthur again, if what Francis said was true,_ Scott thought to himself. That was highly unlikely though seeing as Arthur hadn't bitten the Frenchman's head off when he said that. _Besides if Arthur was pregnant, why would the other two be here? They wouldn't, unless they had some weird conception party… ugh._ Doctor Scott literally shuttered at his own thoughts.

Eventually he became tired of guess work and went for the direct approach. He faced the brunette couple and starred into their eyes, right down into their very souls. He did his best to look intimidating, but not overly frightening. Firmly he asked:

"Which one of you two is pregnant?"

Neither man said anything, but the Italian man grabbed the Spaniards arm and squeezed as if to threaten him into silence. Scott still continued to stare. Before long the taller one was squirming under his gaze, obviously wrestling with an inner dilemma. Finally Antonio couldn't take it any longer and shouted his answer.

"I brought us here because I think Romano's pregnant!

Romano's response was instantaneous.

"NO I'M NOT!"

Doctor Scott heaved a sigh.

"Finally, a straight answer. I'll go run some tests, you're looking pretty pregnant compared to the last time I saw you."

Romano looked outraged.

"Are you calling me fat?"

"Maybe."

Scott made sure to leave the room quickly.

* * *

"This is stupid, very, very stupid!"

Romano was not pleased, not one single bit. Not once had he ever had the desire to see this Doctor Scott man, nor had he wanted to be in London or anywhere else in the United Kingdom for that matter! There was not a single aspect of this trip that he had willingly agreed to and even if he had, he would have never woken up before nine a.m. to get here!

The stupid Spaniard was just on another one of his pregnancy kicks. Ever since Francis and Arthur had rewritten the laws of nature, Antonio had been trying to make the sequel in his typical monkey-see monkey-do fashion. As far as Romano was concerned it was never going to happen, although he supposed if it did it wouldn't be that bad… NO what was he thinking! This whole thing was crazy. He wasn't sure about Arthur, but he was a man with man parts! Not baby making parts!

Antonio had been a man on a mission for the last few months. Every chance he got the crazy man had been pestering the doctor, asking Arthur for the signs, even going so far as to measure Romano's waist every morning. Nothing had changed yet, well besides the onset of frequent vomiting and his ever increasing pant size, but that meant nothing! He could just as easily be getting the flu and fat.

"Lovi, what's wrong? You look angry."

Having been so caught up in his own brooding, Romano had forgotten there were other people in the room with him. Muttering under his breath, he lifted his gaze from the floor and met that of a questioning Antonio. The Spanish man looked truly concerned for Romano's well being. That man irked Romano beyond belief. He was just so clueless sometimes!

"Well maybe that's because I am angry!"

Romano crossed his arms and slouched further into his chair. Arthur couldn't help but scoff.

"You, angry? My word I've never heard of such a thing."

Romano jumped up from his chair, pointing a finger at the Englishman.

"Hey! You keep your stupid _cazzo sopracciglia_ out of this!"

Romano's expression was that of pure disgust, an emotion that was soon matched by Arthur.

"What did you say to me trollop?"

"Well I'm pretty sure I said fuck and you somewhere in that sentence!"

The two men were instantly thrown into yet another argument. Francis and Antonio, finding Romano's unintentional impression of a rabid raccoon quite hilarious, let them argue without interruption. They had been waiting in the office for Doctor Scott for quite some time, and had little else to entertain them. Sadly both men knew the fun had to stop when Arthur jumped up from his chair and stood nose to nose with Romano. With a sigh Francis quickly started to bring an end to their argument.

"Hey _cocotte_?"

"What Francis? I'm a little busy right now!"

The Englishman growled his words through clenched teeth. The resulting tone was enough to frighten most people, but it did little to deter Francis.

"Do you recall when we had sex on that counter over there? Oh how I miss your raging hormones, you were so unpredictable then."

Both the disputing men instantly froze, the looks of shock on their face greater than any Francis had ever seen. Antonio couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of everything that had happened. He was not shocked in the least bit. A life time of friendship with Francis had taught him to expect and almost look forward to his strange and inappropriate speeches.

"_Che diavolo_…"

Romano turned his gaze from Arthur and refocused on Francis. The Frenchman was sitting in his chair, nonchalant as ever, grooming his nails. The only trace of what he had just said was the small smirk playing on his lips, other than that he looked as if nothing had happened.

"We did not do that… here."

Arthur had tried his best to sound stern when he replied to the Frenchman, but the slight uncertainty of his tone and the small blush magnified his embarrassment.

"No, not here…" Francis left a small pause for dramatic effect. "But saying that got you two to shut up non?"

Francis looked up from his nails, a rare stern look gracing his features. Arthur opened his mouth as if say something, but was quickly silenced by Francis' unyielding countenance. Arthur got the hint, sat down again and left Romano alone. The room was silenced by this seemingly paradoxical turn of events.

Still slightly dumbfounded, Romano turned to Antonio. The taller brunette just smiled and patted Romano's empty seat.

"_Cariño_ please sit down again."

"Don't speak Spanish at me."

Romano sat down anyways. He fidgeted in his seat for a few minutes, before picking at the fabric of his chair. The minutes dragged into what seemed like hours in the quiet office. Romano did everything he could to keep himself occupied, but it didn't take long before he was dissatisfied once more.

"What's taking the doctor so long? It shouldn't take this long to press a few buttons, especially when there's nothing to test for."

"_Merde alors Romain_ are you even content?"

Romano wrinkled his nose at the half joking, half exasperated tone Francis used.

"My name is Romano not _Romain_. I just wanted to ask a question, no need to get testy."

With a slight smile, Francis answered his question.

"No Romano it doesn't take this long to press a button, but that's not all Doctor Scott has to do."

Francis shifted in his seat to face Romano.

"First he has to set up the tests which entails multitudes of paper work to be filled with Arthur's, Antonio's, and your government, should it prove fruitful. Then comes the paperwork for sharing this information between your governments on top of the paperwork he has to fill out just for the hospital. It is quite a mountain of work. After all that of course he'll give the test to Doctor Anzalone so he can run them. The tests themselves don't take that long to complete and it doesn't take any time at all for Anzalone to start them, but it does take him quite some time to seduce the number out of whatever nurse is working the machines."

Francis couldn't help but laugh at the thought of Doctor Anzalone.

"He's an attractive man, but no Casanova. Most of the time he's not successful in his endeavors. Doctor Scott has to wait for all this, plus deal with the patients he was supposed to see before we came barging in unexpectedly."

Francis clapped his hands together, satisfied that he had covered the whole subject. Arthur however had more to add.

"Don't forget Ms. Urbach, you know how she is when she knows we're here."

"Oh yes of course. He'll have to spend time distracting her as well. She's eager enough when it's just me she's dying to see, who knows what would happen if she met Antonio."

With a quick metallic turn of the knob, the door to the office swung open.

"Add that to the time I spend slowly walking back to this room fearing what I'll find, and you have your reason for why it takes me so long."

Doctor Scott walked through his door carrying with him several files. The entire room watched as he strode across the floor to his desk, awaiting his next words. He sat down at his desk, all four pairs of eyes still watching.

"What are you guys starring at?"

When addressed with this question, Arthur cleared his throat. In a very calm, quiet voice he stated:

"We're awaiting the results."

"Oh yeah, of course you are."

He continued to stare at the four men, completely silent, his expression giving away no hint of emotion. For what seemed like an eternity he just starred, not saying anything until finally Romano couldn't take it anymore. He jumped up from his chair and paced quickly in front of Scott's desk before finally turning towards the doctor.

"Would you just tell us already?"

Instantly a smile spread across Scott's face.

"Ahh I figured you would be the first to crack. I may as well start having my fun now considering all the tests came back positive."

"Which means?"

Romano was almost certain what a positive test entailed, but he just wanted to make sure. Doctor Scott simply leaded back in his chair and smiled at the ceiling.

"I hope you know how to change diapers."

* * *

And thus the beginning of another great journey. I hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

Here it is guys! Sorry It took so long, you would not believe how busy I've been.

Translations:

укусить меня (Russian) – bite me

Un padre, Francis! Voy a ser padre! (Spanish) – a father francis! im going to be a father!

Et moi, un oncle (French)– and me, an uncle

Sì, mi piacerebbe (Italian) – yes I would like to

Ковбой (Russian) – cowboy

Пожалуйста (Russian) - please

Once again I will say that I do not speak any other languages besides English and French. If I made any mistakes just message me and I will fix them... eventually.

* * *

Chapter 2

Ivan Braginski was sound asleep in his bed. Nothing could have made him happier at this current point in time than continuing his sleep. It had been months since he had been granted time off and even longer since he slept soundly. Unfortunately his brief glimpse of paradise would not last long.

"Hey, hey! Hey Ivan!"

The Russian man groaned and chose to ignore the voice. He could not have cared less when his pillow was ripped out from under his head. He simply let his head fall onto the surface of his mattress and continued his slumber.

"Ivan! Wake up! Up up up!"

Whoever was trying to rouse the sleeping Russian began bouncing on the bed, but Ivan still refused to get up. The stolen pillow suddenly came slamming down onto Ivan's face. The force of the blow woke him just enough for him to recognize the other person's voice. _Ohh not him, not when I'm trying to sleep._ He sighed to himself, realizing that he had no chance of getting any sleep.

"Ivaaaannnnn!"

The Russian sat up in his bed. As he did so the jumping man jumped once more and came crashing down onto the previously sleeping man. The Russian winced slightly as the full weight of the other man's body came down on his leg, but still continued to pull himself to a seated position. When he opened his eyes he was greeted with the smiling face of his assailant. Sitting in Ivan's lap, straddling the Russian's knees grinned Alfred.

"What, Alfred!? Why are you even here?"

The American leaned forward, sliding his hands up the Russian's legs. When they finally stopped on Ivan's thighs Alfred looked directly into his eyes, still smiling. Ivan detected a dangerous glint in the American's eyes. Instinctively he shifted away from the golden blond.

"It's Friday Ivan."

This statement didn't clear up any of the Russian's confusion.

"Дa it's Friday, the first Friday I've had off in weeks. I was looking forward to sleeping for as long as I wanted."

Alfred, apparently, didn't like this answer.

"Ya' gotta get up man!"

The blond man jumped up from his seated position and started dancing on the bed. After a few hip thrusts he began to sing.

"Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal! Seeing everything the time is goin-"

"NO ALFRED!"

Ivan reached over his shoulder and grabbed his other pillow. Once he had a firm grasp of it he threw it, effectively quieting Alfred.

"Not that wretched song again! Last time it was weeks before you shut up."

Alfred just laughed and continued dancing around the bed.

"If only that song had been around during the 50's and 60's. I could have gotten any information I wanted from you during interrogations."

In response the platinum blonde fisted his hands in his blanket. With a quick jerking motion, the blankets flew out from under the American's feet. Alfred fell off the bed and landed with a crash on the floor. Ivan crawled to the end of the bed and peered over the edge. Alfred looked up at him from the floor, still manically laughing.

"If I sang that every day, would you still be my friend?"

"Honestly, I'm debating whether or not to be your friend right now. After all you did just break into my house and wake me while I was sleeping. _And_ I'm pretty sure you've been eating the candy Gilbert brings home from Holland again."

"It's not breaking and entering when you have a key, and besides…"

In one swift movement Alfred jumped from the floor, turned away from Ivan, and then smacked his own buttocks. Glancing back over his shoulder he smirked at Ivan.

"You know you want this. Now come on ya' commie, I'm making breakfast."

With that comment he left the room.

"How did you… why did… ahrg укусить меня!"

Ivan shouted, but to no avail. Alfred had already disappeared. Ivan just lay there on his stomach, contemplating what he should do. _I could go back to sleep… but then Alfred would be left alone in my kitchen._ Heaving a great sigh he hoisted himself out of bed. Still half asleep he meandered towards the kitchen, cursing his intense attraction to men with glasses the whole way.

* * *

Romano sat completely speechless in his chair, the other occupants of the room doing much the same.

Not a single word had been said after Doctor Scott had given his verdict. It appeared as if all Antonio's hopes and suspicions had come to fruition. His test results matched that of Arthur's five years ago, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that he was pregnant.

What they waited for now was Romano's reaction to the news. They all waited for the inevitable breakdown, the explosion of Italian fury that always followed when Romano was told something he didn't want to hear. So far it had yet to come.

Truth be told, Romano didn't know how to react. He was scared, unbelievably scared, but not angry. The moment after the doctor had given the news, Antonio's expression was that of pure joy until he looked over at Romano. The Spaniard had withdrawn his emotion and forced his expression to be neutral. He wasn't doing a very good job, though, the occasional smile would break through, but still he tried. This made Romano angrier than anything that happened in the office today, but he was only angry at himself. _What have I done to make him act like this?_

None of the other four men in the room had dared to speak yet, all being content with waiting for Romano to make the first move.

Antonio was still struggling to keep his emotions under control, frustrating Romano to no end.

"Would you just smile you dork! I know you want to, there's no use hiding that from me."

All at once Antonio's pent up reaction escaped in the form of a high pitched squeal.

"_YEEEEEEE! Un padre, Francis! Voy a ser padre!"_

"_Et moi, un oncle!"_

The two friends instantly began exchanging exclamations. A victory dance, created long ago, was performed in the middle of the office floor after which Antonio ran over to hug Doctor Brown. While they were busy making fools of themselves, Romano was trying his best to hold himself together. He wasn't really sure how he was supposed to respond to this kind of news. His feeling for the Spaniard had always been mixed and a child would not help anything.

The Italian felt a presence next to him and quickly turned to look. A few feet to the left stood Arthur, looking incredulously at the three men now on the floor on top of a toppled swivel chair.

"Would you look at these idiots. I swear I can't even take Francis out in public anymore, he's worse than the children."

A curt laugh escaped Romano. "Yeah I know what you mean."

Arthur paused for a second, as if thinking of what to say. He looked at the Italian and began to mouth a sentence before giving up. Extending his arm he gave the brunette a few reassuring pats on the back.

"Parents eh? I know it seems scary right now but, it's not all that bad."

The Englishman looked uncomfortable and awkward. Showing sympathy for the Italian was definitely an act he was not used to committing.

"Come back to my place after this and I'll make some tea or something."

With a sigh, Romano finally responded.

"_Sì, mi piacerebbe_."

* * *

An hour or so after he had been so rudely awakened, Ivan found himself sitting at his kitchen table with the very cretin that had awakened him. He watched as Alfred wolfed down his third plate of eggs, trying to remember when things had changed between the two of them.

Not too long ago they had both spent their time hunting each other down. No matter what meeting or peace treaty they were at, their one constant thought had been to shoot the other if they got the chance, and they had; Quite frequently in fact. Nowadays they spent so much time together he regularly found Captain America underwear in his laundry amongst others of the American's belongings that had wormed their way into his house. There was even some sort of quesadilla maker sitting on his kitchen. He hadn't even known what a quesadilla was until Alfred had made him one four years ago; now his dreams were haunted by the winking, mustachioed pepper on the top of the small grill. Something about that pepper was horribly unsettling.

"Babe, you're glaring at Señor Jalapeño again."

The Russian man snapped out of his inner monologue to find that he was indeed glaring at the small vegetable. He quickly looked back down at his plate and resumed eating his breakfast.

"Well someone ought to tell the little creep that Otto Von Bismarck wants his mustache back."

Alfred choked a little on his eggs as a result of laughing.

"Dude, you've got to be one of the toughest, scariest men on this planet and you're terrified of a cartoon jalapeño on a plastic quesadilla maker."

"There's something about that look in his eyes...he has plans for this world, plans that I don't agree with."

The American still continued to laugh, leaving Ivan no choice but to reroute the conversation to one of Alfred's fears.

"The last time I took you to a toy store you nearly wet yourself. What was it you were afraid of, small plastic birds?"

Instantly the laughter was quelled. The look on Alfred's face as he set his fork down was one of pure disgust. Ivan couldn't help but smile a little.

"Ferbies are the devil! I thought they had been wiped from the face of the Earth, we're not in the ninety's anymore!"

"I suppose that is understandable, but did you really have to call Bruce Willis to "take care" of them? Furthermore, how the hell do you know him well enough that he would come to a random store and buy several birds only to burn them later?"

"Let's just say he owes me… and hell yeah I had to call him!"

Alfred stuck his finger pointedly towards Ivan.

"_YOU_ were going to buy all of those little bastards. For some reason your sick little mind had decided they were cute and chose to ignore what they really are!"

"And what are they?"

"The fore-bearers of apocalypse!"

With a snort, Ivan leaned back in his chair.

"It's such a shame you feel that way. I was going to decorate my house with them."

Alfred's face morphed into an expression of revulsion. Eyebrows drawn together and nose wrinkled he looked like a child eating Brussels sprouts.

"I really do hate you, you commie bastard."

"Then stop staying at my house for weeks at a time."

"Who'll make you breakfast then?"

Rolling his eyes, the Russian man stood up from the table and began walking towards the sink.

"I managed to make food before you and Señor showed up. Now hurry up and eat your food unless you want to wash your own dishes for once."

In no time Alfred shoveled the remaining eggs on his plate into his mouth. Quickly he jumped from his chair and ran to the sink Ivan was already filling with soapy water. Useless banter now at a minimum, Ivan tried to establish an actual conversation.

"You know ковбой, you never really answered my question."

"Which question? You seemed to be asking quite a few when I woke you up."

"Why are you here?"

The American's typically fluid manner halted for a moment. He averted his eyes before responding.

"Oh no reason in particular, I was just in the neighborhood and decided to drop in."

_In the neighborhood?_ He was obviously hiding something, but Ivan decided to let it ride for now. He would eventually learn, whether Alfred guiltily shouted it out or he extracted the information from him. With a nod of his head, he began washing the dishes. Instead of leaving, Alfred chose to wrap his arms around the Russian and rest his chin on his shoulder. He began to prattle on about nothing in particular, avoiding whatever it was he didn't want to talk about. All the while Ivan washed the dishes, marveling at the fact that Alfred seemed to think he needed three frying pans to make breakfast for two people. Eventually he finished, pulling the drain before turning to face the blond man.

"See, and then I could take the two hedgehogs, name them Bruce and Lee, help them grow mustaches, and then teach them how to fight crime! No one would dare beat up two hedgehogs! They would be the perfect super heroes."

"Yes I'm sure they would be, now what is it you're not telling me?"

"I… I down't know what youwa tawlking about."

Turning around had caused Alfred's chin to slide off the Russian's shoulder. Now awkwardly jabbing into Ivan's collar bone, it muffled Alfred's words.

"Yes you do. You're wearing the same expression a puppy does when its owner catches it chewing on the sofa."

"You really think I'm that cute?"

Ivan grabbed the American's shoulders, pushing him a full arm's length away. Alfred flailed his arms about, trying to reach for Ivan's waist once more.

"Пожалуйста, just tell me what's wrong."

Ivan stared directly into Alfred's eyes, making sure not to blink. The longer he refused to blink, the more creeped out Alfred would be. Eventually he would tell him what he wanted to know. The golden haired man tried his best to pout, hoping to counter act Ivan's actions, but he did not succeed.

"I ate all the cookies again ok! You've got what you wanted now let go."

Alfred was still not telling him everything, of this Ivan was sure, but he had no choice but to accept this excuse. Alfred was still hiding something, so he would have to wait longer to find out. Still there was no doubt that he didn't eat the cookies, and the guilty shame plastered all over his face was endearing.

"Нет, I don't think I'm quite done with you yet."

Alfred looked up just in time to see the glint in the Russian's eye. Without missing a beat he leaned in closer.

"Really now…"

With a smile he slipped his arms up between the Russian's, swiftly bending them and smashing his elbows down on the arms he had just slipped through. Ivan's hold on Alfred disintegrated and Alfred turned to run.

"You'll have to catch me first, pervert!"

The Russian man made no hesitation at chasing after him.

* * *

End of chapter 2! Yes there is a slight side plot right now, but don't worry they'll come together very shortly.

I hope you liked it!

I also have to thank the always wonderful and sexy and gorgeous Paige, who edited this entire document for me free of charge. I just think she is so cool and amazing and that Britain is a million times better than France in all aspects :)

oh yes and Paige


End file.
